Nikki Bella is opening up hardcore about her experience with postpartum depression.

During Wednesday’s episode of The Bellas Podcast, she and her twin sister Brie Bella spoke about how she felt “super depressed” following the birth of her son Matteo, and how it impacted her fiancé Artem Chigvintsev.

“I love being the best, I want to be number one. … I’ve realized I’ve taken that mentality as a mom,” she told Brie, who welcomed her son Buddy less than 24 hours before Nikki gave birth to Matteo.

“I’ve always prided myself that I can fight a lot of things mentally. I’m very strong in that way,” Nikki continued. “[But] postpartum has knocked me on my ass. This is something that is way different.”

The new mom revealed she “refused to ask for help” in caring for Matteo and ended up having a “massive breakdown” while shooting Total Bellas.

“I didn’t realize at week seven, you kind of come out of your baby blues and … go two different paths,” she said. “You go the path of being healthy or you go down the path of being depressed, and that depression path can be a really dark, deep hole. I was starting to feel invisible.”

She added, “It just started to build up. Being alone with Matteo and just feeling lonely and not loved and invisible.”

When her fiancé Artem returned from filming Dancing with the Stars, Nikki said she started to feel anger toward him.

“He’s like ‘At times, I felt like you were starting to hate me.’ He’s like, ‘You could be mean.’ And I’m not gonna lie, I did have moments of being mean,” she recalled. “I did have moments when I looked at him and I hated him. It’s true. There were times I’d look at him and I’m like, ‘I think I hate you.’ “

Brie chimed in that she’s “been there” and has had similar experiences to her sister.

Wow. Thank you, Nikki, for speaking about a subject that is often overlooked. Listen to the full episode below: