Vanessa Bryant wrote to her late husband Kobe Bryant on what would have been his 42nd birthday.

“To my baby ~ Happy birthday. I love you and miss you more than I can ever explain. I wish you and Gigi were here to celebrate YOU!,” she wrote on Instagram with a picture of her and Kobe.

“I wish I could make you your fav food or a birthday cake with my Gigi. I miss your big hugs, your kisses, your smile, your loud ass deep laugh,” she continued. “I miss teasing you, making you laugh and bursting your bubble. I miss you sitting on my lap like my big baby that you are. I think about your tenderness and patience all the time. I think about everything you would do in situations to help me deal with everything thrown my way. Thank you for growing up with me and teaching me how to be strong. How to try to see the best in people but cutout the bs. Your thoughtful gestures and the amazing way you made us all feel is extremely missed. I picture your smile and wide big welcoming hugs daily. God I miss you both so much. Our lives feel so empty without you and Gigi. I’ve been completely broken inside. As much as I want to cry, I put a smile on my face to make our daughters days shine a little brighter. I’m not the strong one, they are. They’re strong and resilient. I’m sure you’re proud of them. They put a smile on my face everyday.

“I wish I could wake up from this horrible nightmare. I wish I could surprise our girls and welcome you and Gigi home to us. I’m mad I didn’t go first. I always wanted to go first so that I selfishly didn’t have to feel this heartache. You were supposedto miss me. Gigi was supposed to be here with her sisters. It should’ve been me.”

Of course, Kobe and his 13-year-old daughter Gianna were among nine killed in a helicopter crash in Calabasas on January 26.

We love you, Vanessa.