Tanya Callau Thicke is opening up about life without her late husband, Alan Thicke.

The actor’s widow sat down with TooFab and discussed her grief and her appearance on Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry. In the days following his death, she said:

“There was a time where I didn’t think I was going to survive. I didn’t want to survive. I’d rather have been gone and be with him and I think that having Tyler come over and it was only two months after Alan passed away and I was still so broken, I hadn’t showered in a week — I showered for you that day — I hadn’t showered in a week, I was in my robe and that’s basically what I lived in and it was that first step forward and I think that’s what we all have to do.”

Tanya allowed the footage of Tyler’s reading with Alan in order to help fans with their grief. She said:

“I think that it was important for his fans to have closure. They reached out to me, I said of course I would love Tyler Henry to come over and see if he can connect with my husband and hear whatever message Alan might have for me. [Tyler] has an amazing way of making you feel like it’s going to be alright. It’s good to know and it gives you such peace in your heart when you have validation from Tyler, they’re not gone, they’re still with you. For me, that was important for his fans to see.”

During an exclusive interview with E! News, Tanya revealed that two weeks before Alan passed, they were planning to have a baby and beginning to “build a nursery.” During a previous reading the couple had with Tyler before Alan’s death, the medium warned him about his heart. Alan went for a checkup to be sure he was healthy enough to move forward with their plans to grow their family, and he was given a “clean bill of health.”  Tanya said:

“In order to go and do the whole sperm thing he wanted to get a full physical and make sure that he was healthy and ready to go. So all the timing of it was unbelievable.”

In December of 2016, he suffered from a “ruptured aorta” and a “stanford type A aortic dissection.”

Tune in to Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry on E! on May 31 to see Alan and Tanya’s reading.