No one can doubt that this year has been one of incredible ups and traumatic downs for Ariana Grande. When she was honored this week at Billboard’s Women in Music event, she was the first to acknowledge it. 

“I want to say that I find it interesting that this has been one of the best years of my career and the worst of my life,” she said. “I’m not saying that for sympathy, I’m just saying that because I think a lot of people would look at someone in my position right now…and think, ‘She’s really got her s— together,’ Ya know? Like, ‘She’s really on it.’ Like, ‘She’s got it all.’” 

“I do,” she continued, “but as far as my personal life goes, I really have no idea what the f— I’m doing so yeah, it’s been a very conflicting one.”

This year, she broke up with Mac Miller and he later died of an accidental overdose a few months later. She also set up shop with SNL’s Pete Davidson before calling off their engagement less than two months later. 

“I look forward to hopefully learning to give some of the love and forgiveness that I’ve given away so frivolously and easily to men in the past to myself hopefully this year,” she added in the speech. “I have everything I’ve ever dreamt of having and as of late I’ve discovered that it’s the things I’ve always had and the people I’ve always had that still make me the happiest.”