It’s hard to believe that it’s been 20 years since Ellen DeGeneres came out as a lesbian on national TV. Now, she’s opening up a little more about it on Dax Shepard’s podcast, Armchair Expert.

“[The show ended] because I came out,” she said. “This is a long, long story — but they really didn’t want me to come out. I wanted to come out. I said, ‘It’s my life. I want to come out. I want the character to come out. It’s the time.’ I said, ‘I’m going to lose the career. Like, you can just put another show on. It’s my show to lose’ — even though it wasn’t my show.”

“They finally let me come out, and it was a huge success the night of,” she continued. “It was huge. It was celebrated … and then they just stopped promoting it because everybody was scared. We were losing sponsors, so they were just acting like, ‘We’re just letting it glide. We’re not going to touch it.’ I got no more advertising, I got no more promotion. So they canceled it.”

She also said that, although she only did three appearances on shows to discuss it, people were saying they were sick of hearing her talk about — even Elton John.

“Even Elton John said, ‘Shut up already. We know you’re gay. Be funny,’ ” she continued. “I had never met him and I thought, ‘What kind of support is that from a gay person?’ But everybody assumed I was just nonstop talking about. It hurt my feelings.”

“People were making fun of me. I was really depressed,” she said. “And because of that and because the show was canceled, I was looked at as a failure in this business. No one would touch me. I had no agent, I had no possibility of a job, I had nothing.”

“The gay community, it’s a really difficult line to walk,” she added. “Some people thought, ‘You’re not gay enough, and you’re not doing enough for our community, and there are so many that have done more.’ And I was like, ‘I didn’t say I was your leader, and I didn’t say I have done more. I just want to be a comedian, and I just happen to be gay.’ Of course, I’m going to speak up. I think I’m doing a lot just by being a physical presence, hopefully a representation, not of the entire gay community, but of somebody at home going, ‘Oh, there’s someone who’s gay.’ So it was really tough. It was a high, and it was celebrated, and then it was a complete low.”